Send

A few minutes ago, just after I got home from a haircut and running some errands, I brought up two email drafts on my computer screen.

The first was a letter to all my graduate students, many of whom know about my transsexual transition, and some of whom know something’s up, and a few of whom probably haven’t heard. The second was a letter to the rest of my department’s faculty, the ones I haven’t already told.

Looking at these two emails in front of me, I took stock of this stage of my transition. I’ve made a full-time job of coming out to people ever since late December, when I first told my department chair, and probably more accurately, mid-January, when I began coming out to friends regularly. I lost count about a month ago, even though I continued to maintain my “Who Knows?” page on the blog (I should have renamed it “Who I Have Told”). Mary Jo has told a lot of people I can’t track, and all of our friends have told other people, creating a big, downhill-rolling snowball — and today is the bottom of the hill for that ball of energy.

The “Send” button is all that remains to do — hit it and then call it a day. Hell, call it a season. It has been intensely emotional, a time-consuming, and affirming, but it wasn’t at all like I thought it would be. I expected a fight, an argument, a line of obstinate people determined to prevent me from taking even the tiniest step. Instead, I have encountered one loving and encouraging friend after another, so much so that I slowly began to lower my guard, imagining positive encounters. And I think those positive and relaxed expectations began to contribute to relaxed and encouraging disclosures.

The prospect of bringing all of this to an end hangs in the air, still and lifeless, dust motes glimmering in the western sun. It’s the end of something, the beginning of a new stage of development. Lines from Keats’ “To Autumn” come to mind –

Where are the songs of Spring? Ay, where are they?

My spring has been filled with songs of self-disclosure, performed at bars, restaurants, coffee shops, faculty offices, post office packages, email messages, academic conferences, this blog. The songs have sounded quirky, moody, happy, introspective, interrogative, tentative, transitory.

Think not of them, thou hast thy music too

The next season will have its own rhythm and tone and melody, performed in duos and trios, with friends and family, in the mirror, the doctor’s office, the church pew, the classroom. These songs will be lively, upbeat, futuristic, sometimes atonal, sometimes melodic — they are the songs of becoming and emergence and possibility.

The Send button is going to change the soundtrack. I proofread the email one more time. If I contradict myself, very well, I contradict myself. I am large. I contain multitudes. I hover for an instant over the button, then, without ceremony, press it, a barbaric yawp into the internet.

I stop somewhere waiting for you

 

Blood is Thicker than Water, parts 3-7

All of the following emails arrived within two days of each other. These emails, along with wonderful phone conversations with my sister, suggest to me that my fears of being outcast from my family were unfounded. This is a huge relief. I’m not so naive that I confuse this initial wave of support with the lack of any concern or problem — I fully expect to have all kinds of discussions and difficulties and negotiations in the future. But this foundation of family and love is going to make those discussions worth pursuing because the family connections are worth pursuing a hundred-fold.

From sister Liz Rhapsody

Dear George, Good morning, I am up already since Gerald left at five to go to Nebraska to get ready to work calves tomorrow. I want you to be all right with every ounce of my self George, and I have been praying for you and your family for such a long time. I feel so much better having spoken to you and I agree with you that everything will be ok. Your health and family are the most important things you need to concentrate on. I hope everything goes well with your paper today. I know it will. You are blessed Georgio, with an awesome family, multiple talents, mind boggling intellect, and one great little sister! Ha. Just threw that last one in for a grin.

I wouldn’t trade you for love or money [as daddy used to say] and I’m so relieved to be communicating with you. I felt pretty lost. I’m doing my best to understand what has been going on with you and I realize that you’ve been hurting for so long and that breaks my heart. I will always be here for you too. So, vise-versa on whenever and wherever. Ok?

I love you always and will talk to you soon, Liz

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George, I have something to confess to you. I told Aunt Phoebe about a week ago. I’m sorry, I just needed to talk to somebody and I didn’t have Mama. I’ve come to rely quite heavily on Phoebe as a surrogate mother figure for myself and I find a lot of comfort in speaking with her in many different matters. Please forgive me for telling her. She called this morning and said she got your letter and if they weren’t leaving for the beach she would write back today but she will write you soon. She and William love you very much and know everything will be ok. again, I’m sorry and I love you.
Liz

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Here is Uncle Patrick’s address- xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx. He said he loves you very much and is sorry you have suffered for so long. He said never have any reservations- ever- about calling him . He will always support you and be here for you. We truly have an awesome family and they all will always be here for both of us. Love, Liz

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From Liz’s daughter, Lynn

Hello Uncle George!

I haven’t talked with you in a while! How are things going today? I hope well. Things are going pretty good with me, I’m just trying to find a job! You would think that it wouldn’t be as hard in Empire Falls, but I have been having zero luck! I guess I just have to keep looking though!

Well, I just want you to know that no matter what decisions you make in life I will always love you, and the person that you are. I have a very open mind about the whole situation, It did strike me as very odd at first, but the more I have been thinking about it and studying on it, I have felt more comfortable about it. I would NEVER EVER dis-own you. There is nothing that you could ever do for me to be ashamed of you in any way. I will always, always be very proud of you no matter what. I’m just sorry about all the pain that you have experienced with this, I couldn’t even imagine. I just want to stress on how much I love you! I have always thought that you were an amazing individual. Just please know that I love you with all of my heart and would never stop loving you. Family has always been a very important part of my life, and I know how important it is to have your families support, so know that you have mine. Also know that you can talk to me about anything at all. I love you very much. I hope to hear back soon! Have a blessed rest of the day!

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Aunt Phoebe Peacock, my father’s sister

Dear George,

Liz told me she had confessed that she talked to me soon after she heard from you about your upcoming plans. I have had time to absorb the news. Then I got your thoughtful and articulate letter. No, I didn’t faint or get angry. I could only think about the pain you must have been feeling all these years and knew that we all must love you as before…when I say that, I don’t know how I will react when I see you because this is a huge matter to get my mind around. I think you are very brave to set out on this journey. Just give me a little time to adjust when I see you for the first time.

Having said all that I must tell you that I think you have chosen more pain for yourself, but you are obviously strong and certain of the path you must walk. You can do this! Bedford Falls and Empire Falls are places that I think are fraught with pain for you…not so much Bedford Falls, but Empire Falls in particular. The people who love you will support and love you no matter what, but my experience there with men in particular is that their manhood is often tenuous and easily threatened. I have long thought that my own father drank more than he should have because he was at heart a gentle person who could not and would not compete with the macho image of men in his own environment in a place he loved with all his heart. Your own father had a deep soft side that he rarely showed, and the genetic weakness for alcohol simply reared its ugly head in him. He was generous to a fault and would have done anything for you. He was, as was my father, simply who he was, and you are simply who you are. Those are hard pills to swallow as young people and young adults and even as mature folks, but we live with who and what we are.

Returning to men in the area, I fear that the reaction to your change when you go to Empire Falls will threaten the men and as a result will frighten the women. None will understand and many will be aloof and relations will be strained. Eventually all will be well, but I think you need to be prepared for strain and pain at first. As I have gone back through the years I find that I only see and care about a very few people there because they are the ones with whom I have maintained contact. I think you were prudent to resign from the partnership for these reasons, but there is absolutely no reason why you cannot give your able advice to your Uncle Jack about the family business matters if he is amenable to that.

I am concerned about your children and about Mary Jo, but apparently you have talked all this through. The children’s peers may be terribly cruel and I hope the therapy will strengthen them for things we cannot know about. I know how much you love them, and I feel sure you will do everything you can to help them to understand and to deal with the changes in their lives as well as in you own.

Story telling is important, and I know you are aware that the family has told its story for generations by yarn spinning and humor. We keep our family intact by telling stories. Don’t forget the importance of this as you move into a different mode of life. Your children need to know and care about the history of the family and how we have stood by each other through thick and thin. We will continue to do this.

Know that we love you and will support you in any way we can. William joins me in wishing you well. I am aware that faith has not played a big part in your life, but a church community is a wonderful source of support and love. The love of God is so extravagant that nothing can ever separate us from it and we are filled with it at every turn of life, both the happy, the tragic, and the unknown. You and your immediate family have been and will continue to be in our prayers. Do keep in touch.

Lots of love,

Aunt Phoebe

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Uncle Jack Law, my mother’s brother

Dear George,

As you would expect, I’m shocked and dismayed at your revelation of your suffering with GID and your plans for the future. I’ve pulled up some information on the internet and at least am in the beginning stages of trying to learn about GID.

George, I can only hope and pray for the best outcome for you with your inner conflicts. Your decision not only will impact you, but also family, friends, business associates, students, and others, not just today but for a very long time. I’m sure you have agonized over the long lasting impact it will have on your family. Hopefully, they will be able to endure the negative aspects of this, now and in the future, and be able to nurture a love and understanding that will be stronger than the foreseen negativism.

You and I had a wonderful relationship when we were younger. Remember all the things we did, from guitar playing to skiing and everything between. I guess I thought of you as being my own, after all, you have the Butcher’s Album. Even now, we still have a certain closeness that most uncles and nephews don’t have. I’m thankful for that.

The past few days have been very confusing and strange to me. I suppose that not understanding GID has made me fearful and pessimistic, which is what I gravitate to in most situations. As I read your letter, I could only imagine the worst possible outcome for everyone involved. I didn’t concentrate or focus on your turmoil, pain, and fear, which you have been struggling with for years. I’m sorry. I could only focus on the worst scenarios.

Thank you for trying your best to let us know of your very difficult struggles. Even though I’ll probably never be able to fully understand what you have been going through, I’m able to, now, know that you have been in extreme pain, conflict, and turmoil for a long time.

I truly believe that God has a plan for each one of us. I also believe that He loves us, even though, sometimes, it is hard to see. Liz shared with me that Allyson Robinson suggested that you are blessed not cursed. That is a wonderful way of looking at it. Your purpose in life might be to use your many gifts and talents to teach and help others in whatever situations they are facing.

I want you to know that I love you and am very proud of you. I’ll be here for you and support you in your upcoming struggles. Never doubt that you are a very important part our family. Don’t ever think that we don’t care about you. We do!! We want the very best for you and your family. You reached out to us for support and understanding, now we are reaching out to you for support and understanding.

I love you,

Uncle Jack

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See also
Blood is Thicker than Water, part 1
Blood is Thicker than Water, part 2
Is Blood Thicker than Water?

 

Lots of People in New Orleans

While attending one my discipline’s national conferences in New Orleans a few days ago, Mary Jo and I set about telling as many people as we could, one-on-one, about my imminent changes. In comparing notes, I think we managed to tell around 40 people between the two of us. Some of them got 2 full hours, complete with the philosophical discussion about sex and gender; others got the “hey, guess what I’m doing? I’m changing my sex” short version that you tell in the bar over beer and pretzels.

This was Mary Jo’s first experience with telling lots of people and, like me, she observes that it gets easier with practice. Maybe it’s that you develop a script in your head that protects you from the anticipated pain of rejection. Or maybe it’s that you just get tired and lower your guard after a few disclosures. Or maybe, as in the case of this conference, you learn quickly that smart, compassionate people simply aren’t going to reject you because you’re gender-variant.

I’m happy at being able to tell so many of my old graduate student buddies, former students, former colleagues, and other acquaintances — that layer of my social self is important to me and it was therapeutic talking to so many different people.

I’m also a bit frustrated by the whole experience. As you can guess, as you get on a roll and set a goal of telling more and more people, the story gets truncated, the time you have for your friends and colleagues gets shorter and shorter, and the message you seek to convey gets watered down, perhaps to the point of sounding flippant. In New Orleans, I eventually began to feel like a drive-by shooter, rolling my window down just long enough to pepper a victim’s house with bullets before speeding off into the night to repeat the deed.

This conference’s pace resembles this whole spring’s pace — I end up sounding superficial and I don’t have enough time to spend with a given person because there are more people to tell. Don’t get me wrong: I’m proud of having faced my demons and talked to everyone, but I’m also ashamed at not having made more time to follow up.

There will be time, I tell myself, for depth and leisurely discussion, measured out in coffee spoons and peaches. I’m looking forward to those times when I am not rushing to becoming, but simply am.

 

Blood is Thicker than Water, part 2

I followed up my note to Mitch Law the other day with a similar letter to his sister, Arwen Law, who has moved off to the deep south to be with her boyfriend. She wrote me just now with unconditional support and a promise to help make the transition easier. Like me, it turns out she had a miserable 2007 and knows just how valuable family and friends can be.

I really can’t express how joyful I feel right now.