Here I am on Christmas Eve, having thought and thought about my dilemma for months — actually, years, if I look back honestly at my life. This past week has been very difficult for a number of reasons. On the one hand, I am very excited about finally doing something after 47 years.

I started counseling a few days ago with Dr. Chuck Garcia, and we will begin our work together in earnest on Jan 3rd. I am certain that I have repressed many things over the years, not just my transsexual feelings, but probably also a pathological need to please my parents, a deep desire to have other people’s permission to do things, a lingering grief about my parents’ deaths, and my general willingness to play the martyr in many areas. What I’m hoping we will figure out is just how transsexual I am and take appropriate steps. At the very least, what I really want to happen is to take testosterone-blockers and estradiol for 6-12 months to see how my mind feels. I’m quite frightened about the possibility that I’m destined to transition into being a woman — I have so many good things that I fear losing everything. Why would I want to jeopardize those good things? Is there any way for me to escape from this difficulty? Am I asking to have my cake and eat it, too?

What do I want? I don’t want to be a man any more — I know that much. And by “a man” I mean someone driven by testosterone. I don’t want to keep suppressing my femininity. Maybe there is a middle sex I can be, but it really can’t be a man any more — it’s surely my own construction of masculinity — logical, unfeeling, hard, strong — and I know there are other ways to be. But I don’t want that anymore. I have suppressed my true self for 40 years.

Do I want to be a woman? Not necessarily. Not a stereotypical woman, at least. I’m not really interested in clothes, like my old transvestite days might suggest. I want my head and my body to be aligned with my true self — if that’s called being a woman, then that’s what I want. If it’s being a transgender man/woman, then that’ll do, too. I would very much like to convert my body chemistry via estrogen to femininity and to feel the mindspace and body changes I have always yearned for.