Mary and I spoke at length yesterday while the kids were at a Yu-gi-oh tournament. We were sitting over at a coffee house, planning what to do with a new SUV, and I knew I really needed to break the ice, so I said I absolutely had to talk about my issues. We got a ton of stuff out on the table, and I think the main source of pain and energy was formless fears — we talked about what frightens us and then tried to give it form and look at each thing as an actual event instead of a nightmare.

She said she was afraid that she’d come home one day to find George was gone and Joyce had replaced him. I said I was afraid she would quit loving me. We laid out a whole lot on the table, and when we were finished, it felt like an enormous weight lifted from my shoulders and I could tell that Mary felt a lot better, too. We talked about hormones, about what are little symbolic actions and what are bigger, real actions. I laid out my idea that the range of options is much bigger than I initially thought.

Well-meaning people will jump to help you flip the binary switch from male to female, or vice-versa, but that mindset is severely limited. It’s understandable, of course, but a transsexual and his/her friends and family need to think bigger than that. Take me, for example. I’m not really starting out 100% male as in John Wayne, but more like 80% or 70% new age guy. And I don’t want to flip a switch and be Barbee, but perhaps a 60% female. When you recognize that a great deal of this isn’t binary, it’s helpful.

Now, there’s no kidding ourselves that hormones push our bodies and minds down the spectrum towards the other pole, so there is clearly a direction, but it’s better to think of it as a journey instead of a switch. It’s a trajectory and an inclination to keep the arrow pointing down a certain direction rather than the “wrong” direction or a stuck position on the spectrum.

I think being stuck, for me, is the hardest feeling of all. I’m a shark — gotta keep moving or I die. Moving towards what, I don’t know. I don’t know if I have a mission or if I’m just a wanderer.

I’ve been on estrogen for about a week, and I feel calm, peaceful, generally optimistic. I don’t know if that’s because I’m just doing something or if the lack of T and the presence of E is affecting my mind. I believe I feel tenderness in my breasts, but I’m not entirely sure.