I have fully expected to have to fight everyone I encountered about my desires. I did tons of research, tons of introspection, in preparation for these confrontations.

But I’m either lucky or have good karma, but I am still waiting for a roadblock. In fact, I find it either frustrating or perplexing that I haven’t had a problem. I was certain I would find no therapist in Bedford Falls, but ran into Chuck thanks to some old information online. I was certain he would try to talk me out of my self-diagnosis, but he appears to be completely on-board. When he said he agreed I have GID and that he’s write a letter to Dr. Clinton, I think that was a huge moment for me, the confrontation that never happened.

It precipitated a decision as to whether this is a real condition or something I’m just playing with, and while it was unbelievably empowering, it was also terribly frightening. The visit to Dr. Clinton was terribly stressful, but instead of throwing me out of his office, he said he didn’t know much, but would learn. I had already steeled myself to the probability that he’s say no, so I was pretty surprised.

After blood work, we met and he had read a bunch of stuff that I had given him, and his attitude was very progressive, very open. He said he had learned a lot and that he was open to the hormone therapies mentioned in the literature, as they did not pose a threat to my body. He asked if I was ready to start estrogen, and I was afraid to bring it up, so when he dove in and asked, it was another anticipated roadblock that never happened. I figured he’d want to go slow and argue for 3-6 months of sprionolactone instead of 2 weeks. I jumped at it, of course, and then he said that the pace and direction of my therapy was entirely in my hands — he would be happy to support the hormones I myself decide I need.

So, like Chuck, Dr. Clinton has said that my direction, my fate, are entirely in my hands — and that freedom is frustrating. I think I had hoped (not intellectually, but emotionally) for someone to say, “oh, yes, I recognize this problem and here’s the specific answer to help you.” But since GID is not something observable outside, then there’s nothing to test to tell how you feel.

Mary is the same way. I know she is frightened by this, as am I, but I think she recognizes that I’m on a course that I have to be on. As long as we keep talking, I think we’ll be just fine. Even yesterday or today, we were lying in bed and she asked, perfectly normally, if the hormones would make me have blood clots, since that’s something she’s worried about for herself. I said I was taking aspirin and have been for a couple of years, so I wasn’t worried. I said I thought it was ironic and kind of funny that she has to stop taking estrogen and I have started. Maybe we’ll become each other?

But she has not thrown up a roadblock — I think she’s imagining various sorts of futures, from the absurd to the realistic, and trying to figure out where she fits in all of this. As long as I don’t become some sort of monster, I think she’ll be supportive. She mentioned at the coffeehouse the other day that she was afraid I’d become some sort of femmy queen, and that’s something she doesn’t really relate to. I said the same thing, that I really don’t want to turn into a girly-girl airhead, but really just a happier version of me.