Having heard, verbally and in emails, that what I’m doing is brave, courageous, or inspiring, I have to assume that my actions are perceived truly as people say they are, even though I don’t feel I’m exhibiting anything remotely like bravery, courage, or inspiration. I have to assume that others see my actions and writings as indicating that I’m following my bliss or being true to my self, and that they are worthy of discussion by others.
Dear readers, I don’t mind being talked about, especially if the conversation makes you feel good (and I’ve heard from many of you that this is precisely what’s happening when you talk about my transsexual transition with each other). When you talk and feel good, I feel good. I feel connected. I feel like my life isn’t just the story of one person acting out on her selfish fantasies, but rather an occasion for synergies that are far more complex than the laughably-simplistic story of one person’s “choice” to change sex. I think it’s essential that those synergies come into being via sharing with one another because they create (as they must) more possibility and more creativity and more understanding. In other words, I do my thing, you talk about it with me or one or two other people, those people talk with their partners and friends, you write me to tell me about these developments, and I hear about it with a warm heart and reveal more about my thoughts into this feedback loop.
Not being selfishly inert, a person like me becomes a catalyst for more activity, a particle shot into a critical mass of uranium or plutonium that sets off a chain reaction of creativity and love and respect. Rather than feeling like a major actor in all of this, I feel as if I am a very small cog in a much bigger process, and it fires me up like you can’t believe to know that my little cog-like movements are helping to turn bigger engines.