Random thoughts on trousers

1. Capri pants — I used to think they were silly, perhaps trivial — maybe it was sexism on my part or just incredible ignorance. But I’m a convert. I don’t know why, in warm weather, anyone would wear pants down to their ankles except for protection or cultural reasons. As for me, the long-pants crowd is going to have to rip the capri’s out of my hands come fall, ’cause I’m not going quietly.

2. Variety — I don’t think most men actually fathom how many options there are in women’s trousers. For my own part, in my guy past, I remember distinctly believing in my 20’s that there were two, and only two varieties of trousers: Levi’s and khaki’s. I stand in a clothing store these days bewildered by all the options for women that don’t generally exist for men, like whether the tops are at the natural waist, just below the natural waist, hip-huggers, low-riders, or how much stretch you want, or the blend of fibers, or whether they’re lined or not, or how narrow or wide the bottoms, or pleats/pleatless, and so on and so on. Maybe all these options exist for men, and I was never aware of them, but I am certainly aware of them now.

3. Transsexuals can’t wear all the pant styles that cis-sexuals can — I’ve discovered this in many trips to the dressing room. There’s simply a … how shall I say it … a je ne sais quoi that makes many styles impossible. It might have something to do with tight crotches being incompatible with all the extra equipment I’m hauling around with me, at least for now. In marginal cases, Spanx can do the job, at least once your inner organs begin functioning again after the initial Spanx-squeeze. They wanted to sell me the “Power Panty” version at Chico’s, but I have to tell you that I have trouble taking anything seriously with a name like Power Panty. Give me Higher Power or regular briefs, please.

4. Having a man’s general build, I find that I’m quite frustrated by women’s pants, specifically the waist. I hike the pants up nice and high, and then (having no hips and no waist) they roll slowly down to the point where most men’s beltline is: below the beer belly. I get the impression that suspenders are not fashionable on women (and probably not on men unless they’re braces on power suits), so I’m left with the following plans: losing lots of weight, shaping my waist, or finding pants with belts or drawstrings (arggh, the thought really horrifies me, but maybe I’m thinking of earthy hemp pants). I can always hope that I’ll be the first transsexual in history to develop child-bearing hips, but that doesn’t seem like a reasonable fashion strategy.

5. There are many jokes about the difference in transsexuals and transvestites, but since they’re all inside jokes, I would have to kill you if I told you. Suffice to say that one way to tell at a support group with both populations present is that one group is wearing skirts/dresses and the other is wearing pants. ‘Nuff said.