The realm of the biological is a lot more powerful than you think.
I’ve come to understand, or believe, that my GID is probably something that was built into my being. Where, I don’t know — maybe the brain? But this clock is set ticking at birth, or at least at the age you become aware of yourself as a self, or the Ego stage of Freud’s theory.
And I don’t think its influences are confined to the realm of gender. I think it manifests itself in entirely non-gender ways, too.
I had always assumed internal conflict was part of the human condition, and it probably is, but there is a particular kind of conflict in a growing boy who has GID, and I felt all of these things:
- Distance from people
- Distance from myself, almost as I could be two people, or compartmentalize, you might say
- Real difficulty or maybe it was just real caution, at making deep friendships.
- Deep introspection — not surprising if you’re the only one you can trust.
- Sadness — you hear TS’s on discussion boards talk about their old photos, and the mood always seems sad.
- Fear — of discovery, of rejection, of embarrassment